{ "schema": "bumis-network/catalog@1", "site": { "host": "datinginyour20s.com", "name": "Dating in Your 20s", "description": "Straight answers about dating in your twenties. No hacks, no rules, no pretending you didn't reread the text nine times.", "audience": "dating" }, "publisher": { "name": "BUMIS", "url": "https://getbumis.com", "description": "BUMIS: Your Dating Mirror. Not a dating app, an app for your dating life." }, "articles": [ { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/how-to-tell-if-someone-texts-from-a-secure-place/", "title": "How can you tell if someone texts from a secure place?", "summary": "You can't diagnose anyone from a thread, but you can watch for steadiness over weeks: follow-through, saying when they're busy, starting conversations sometimes, and handling a direct question without drama. In your 20s, when most early dating runs through your phone, the pattern across a month tells you far more than any single reply.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-02", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/how-to-tell-if-someone-texts-from-a-secure-place/", "sources": [ { "title": "Are adult attachment styles categorical or dimensional? A taxometric analysis of general and relationship-specific attachment orientations", "url": "https://www.nathanwhudson.com/vita/pdf/Fraley%20et%20al.,%202015.pdf", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (American Psychological Association), author-hosted copy", "date": "2015", "supports": "Fraley, Hudson, Heffernan and Segal analyzed two samples and found that individual differences in adult attachment fit a dimensional model better than a categorical one, for general attachment and for specific relationships." }, { "title": "Young adults' use of communication technology within their romantic relationships and associations with attachment style", "url": "https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S074756321300085X", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior (Elsevier)", "date": "2013", "supports": "Morey, Gentzler, Creasy, Oberhauser and Westerman studied two cohorts of dating undergraduates (2009 and 2011): avoidance was related to less phone use and texting with a partner and to more email use; texting and social networking contact were more frequent in 2011 than 2009." }, { "title": "Texting, sexting, and attachment in college students' romantic relationships", "url": "https://sc.edu/study/colleges_schools/artsandsciences/psychology/my_psych/current_undergrads/sona_quiz_2_texting_and_romance.pdf", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior (Elsevier), copy hosted by the University of South Carolina", "date": "2012", "supports": "Drouin and Landgraff surveyed 744 college students in committed romantic relationships: text messaging was more common among those with more secure attachment (lower attachment avoidance)." }, { "title": "Effects of texting on satisfaction in romantic relationships: The role of attachment", "url": "https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563214000193", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior (Elsevier)", "date": "2014", "supports": "Shanhong Luo found that text volume was not related to attachment dimensions or relationship satisfaction, but texting share (how much of a couple's contact ran through texting) was positively linked with both avoidance and anxiety and negatively linked with satisfaction." }, { "title": "Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships", "url": "https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8669216/", "publisher": "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (PubMed Central)", "date": "2021", "supports": "Holtzman, Kushlev, Wozny and Godard surveyed 647 emerging adults (36.5% in long-distance relationships): more frequent and responsive texting predicted greater relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships but not in geographically close ones, where frequency of voice calls was linked to satisfaction." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/stop-checking-if-theyve-seen-it/", "title": "How do I stop checking if they've seen my message?", "summary": "Make the cues harder to reach and give your thumb a different job, because 'Seen,' 'Opened' and 'Active now' tell you when a screen was looked at, not how anyone feels. In your 20s, when one person can be reachable on four apps at once, the checking multiplies, and so does the payoff from cutting it back.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-02", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/stop-checking-if-theyve-seen-it/", "sources": [ { "title": "'I saw you were online': How online status indicators shape our behavior", "url": "https://ischool.uw.edu/news/2020/04/i-saw-you-were-online-how-online-status-indicators-shape-our-behavior", "publisher": "University of Washington Information School", "date": "2020-04", "supports": "University of Washington researchers (lead author Camille Cobb, senior author Alexis Hiniker) surveyed smartphone users for a CHI 2020 paper: many people misunderstand online status indicators but still carefully shape their behavior to control how they appear; more than half had logged on to an app just to check someone else's status, and more than half suspected someone had noticed their status." }, { "title": "How it feels to be 'left on read': Social surveillance on Snapchat and young individuals' mental health", "url": "https://cyberpsychology.eu/article/view/33170", "publisher": "Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace", "date": "2023-11", "supports": "Cross-sectional survey of 360 people aged 16 to 25: higher need for popularity was associated with monitoring others through Snapchat, which was associated with loneliness and depressive symptoms via fear of missing out; these associations were not found for general Snapchat use." }, { "title": "OCD-like checking in the lab: A meta-analysis and improvement of an experimental paradigm", "url": "https://research-portal.uu.nl/en/publications/ocd-like-checking-in-the-lab-a-meta-analysis-and-improvement-of-a/", "publisher": "Utrecht University research portal (peer-reviewed article)", "date": "2019", "supports": "A meta-analysis of 28 experiments (N = 1,662) using the repeated checking paradigm found large effects of repeated checking in lowering memory confidence, vividness and detail, and, unexpectedly, small reductions in memory accuracy." }, { "title": "'Oh, Snap!': A Mixed-Methods Approach to Analyzing the Dark Side of Snapchat", "url": "https://thejsms.org/index.php/JSMS/article/view/633", "publisher": "The Journal of Social Media in Society", "date": "2020", "supports": "Dunn and Langlais surveyed 118 undergraduates and talked with 21 more in interviews and focus groups: intensity of Snapchat use was associated with lower mental health, and monitoring ex-partners on Snapchat and using Snap Map were among the uses associated with more jealousy in romantic relationships." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-our-fights-happen-over-text/", "title": "Why do our fights always happen over text?", "summary": "In your 20s, when you don't live together and your days run on separate schedules, the thread is simply where you are, so it's where disagreements land. Text isn't automatically worse for a fight, but it lets one person push and the other go quiet without either seeing the other's face, so the skill is knowing when to switch to a call.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-02", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-our-fights-happen-over-text/", "sources": [ { "title": "Back and Forth, Back and Forth: Channel Switching in Romantic Couple Conflict", "url": "https://collablab.northwestern.edu/pubs/CSCW2013-ScissorsGergle-BackAndForthChannelSwitching.pdf", "publisher": "Proceedings of CSCW 2013 (ACM), Northwestern University Collaborative Technology Lab copy", "date": "2013", "supports": "Scissors and Gergle interviewed 24 people in non-cohabiting romantic dating relationships of 3 months or longer: couples switched channels during conflict in many patterns, from text or instant messaging to face-to-face and the reverse; motivations for switching included avoiding conflict escalation, managing one's emotions and trying to reach a resolution." }, { "title": "Romantic Relationship Quality and Technological Communication: Examining the Roles of Attachment Representations and Rejection Sensitivity", "url": "https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/etd/4607", "publisher": "Utah State University (MS thesis in psychology by Ron C. Bean, committee chair Renee V. Galliher)", "date": "2015", "supports": "97 college students were prompted twice daily for two weeks about their most recent computer-mediated communication with a romantic partner; texting was used more than any other channel, and lower rejection sensitivity and lower anxious or avoidant attachment were related to higher ratings of those interactions." }, { "title": "Dependency, Conflict, and Gender: The Use of Communication Technologies in Romantic Relationships of College Students", "url": "https://conservancy.umn.edu/items/c758147d-0572-4d93-b9cf-bda5c246620d", "publisher": "University of Minnesota Digital Conservancy", "date": "2014", "supports": "Mixed-methods study: a survey of about 70 undergraduates in heterosexual romantic relationships plus separate interviews with four couples; both indicated students felt their relationships' success depended on communication technologies and showed a strong relationship between conflict and the use of those technologies; men and women did not perceive the effects differently." }, { "title": "Adult Attachment, Conflict Resolution Style and Relationship Quality among Spanish Young-adult Couples", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1017/SJP.2021.4", "publisher": "The Spanish Journal of Psychology (Cambridge University Press)", "date": "2021", "supports": "González-Ortega, Orgaz, Vicario-Molina and Fuertes surveyed 405 young heterosexual couples: withdrawal as a conflict style was more highly correlated with attachment avoidance and conflict engagement with attachment anxiety; partners higher in anxiety and avoidance reported more dysfunctional conflict resolution styles and less relationship satisfaction; avoidance had a stronger negative link with relationship quality than anxiety." }, { "title": "Text it out: an experimental comparison of romantic conflict across communication channels", "url": "https://d.lib.msu.edu/etd/48451", "publisher": "Michigan State University (doctoral dissertation, Taj Wanda Makki)", "date": "2020", "supports": "128 participants, as couples, discussed a recurring, relationship-relevant conflict in the lab by text message, voice call, video chat or face-to-face while physiological arousal was monitored; conflict outcomes were most favorable after text-based interactions." }, { "title": "Phone calls create stronger bonds than text-based communications", "url": "https://news.utexas.edu/phone-calls-create-stronger-bonds-than-text-based-communications", "publisher": "University of Texas at Austin News", "date": "2020", "supports": "Amit Kumar (UT Austin) and Nicholas Epley (University of Chicago): in one experiment 200 people predicted what reconnecting with an old friend by email or phone would be like, then were randomly assigned to do it; people expected calls to be more awkward and preferred email, but formed a significantly stronger bond by phone and did not feel more awkward. Published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-they-left-you-on-read/", "title": "Why did they leave me on read?", "summary": "Most of the time, something on their end got in the way of answering: timing, energy, not knowing what to say. A read receipt tells you they saw it, not what they felt, so give it a day, then follow up once or let it go.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-they-left-you-on-read/", "sources": [ { "title": "Exploring the impact of 'read receipts' in Mobile Instant Messaging", "url": "https://tidsskrift.dk/mef-journal/article/view/28781", "publisher": "MedieKultur: Journal of Media and Communication Research", "date": "2017", "supports": "Lynden and Rasmussen used mixed methods and linked read receipts to avoidance strategies, increased app checking, feelings of anxiety and strong negative attitudes toward the feature." }, { "title": "Nobody Read or Reply Your Messages: Emotional Responses Among Japanese University Students", "url": "https://www.igi-global.com/article/nobody-read-or-reply-your-messages/198333", "publisher": "International Journal of Cyber Behavior, Psychology and Learning (IGI Global)", "date": "2017", "supports": "Kato, Kato and Ozawa surveyed 317 college students in Japan; negative feelings while waiting for a reply arose more quickly when a message was marked as read with no reply, and people more dependent on texting felt stronger negative emotions sooner." }, { "title": "What makes IM users (un)responsive: An empirical investigation for understanding IM responsiveness", "url": "https://people.cs.nycu.edu.tw/~armuro/pubs/lee-et-al-2023-ijhcs.pdf", "publisher": "International Journal of Human-Computer Studies (Elsevier), author copy at National Yang Ming Chiao Tung University", "date": "2023", "supports": "Interviews with 46 messaging users identified five elements behind whether people reply: response habits, need fulfillment, perceived obligation, perceived readiness or suitability of the moment, and pace or rhythm coordination; people's sense of being ready mattered more than the objective context." }, { "title": "Ostracism", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.58.110405.085641", "publisher": "Annual Review of Psychology", "date": "2007", "supports": "Kipling Williams reviews research showing that being ignored or excluded is detected reflexively as pain and distress, and that even brief episodes of ostracism produce sadness and anger and threaten basic needs such as belonging and self-esteem." }, { "title": "The Ordinal Effects of Ostracism: A Meta-Analysis of 120 Cyberball Studies", "url": "https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4449005/", "publisher": "PLOS ONE", "date": "2015", "supports": "Hartgerink, van Beest, Wicherts and Williams pooled 120 studies of a computerized ball-tossing game (11,869 participants); being left out had a large average effect that held across how long the exclusion lasted, participants' gender, age and country, and the type of measure." }, { "title": "Texting insincerely: The role of the period in text messaging", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.11.003", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior (Elsevier)", "date": "2016", "supports": "Gunraj and colleagues at Binghamton University found that replies in text-message exchanges were rated less sincere when they ended with a period; the same difference did not appear in handwritten notes." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/why-you-get-attached-so-fast/", "title": "Why do I get attached so fast?", "summary": "Usually because early dating is built on not-knowing, and for some people (especially those who lean anxious in how they attach) not-knowing turns the volume on feelings all the way up. It's common, it's not a flaw, and slowing the pace is a skill you can practice.", "section": "dating-now", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/why-you-get-attached-so-fast/", "sources": [ { "title": "Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology", "date": "1987", "supports": "Romantic love can be understood as an attachment process with secure, avoidant and anxious/ambivalent styles; anxious/ambivalent adults described love as preoccupying, with a strong desire for closeness and fear of abandonment, and said it is easy for them to fall in love." }, { "title": "The Attachment System in Fledgling Relationships: An Activating Role for Attachment Anxiety", "url": "https://www.kellogg.northwestern.edu/academics-research/research/detail/2008/the-attachment-system-in-fledgling-relationships-an-activating-role", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Eastwick and Finkel), via Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University", "date": "2008", "supports": "In a study of 163 college students (81 women, 82 men) followed for a month after speed-dating events, anxiety about a specific new love interest ('I worry that they don't care about me as much as I care about them') went along with stronger romantic focus on and pursuit of that person, especially when participants believed the person liked them; early anxiety appears to help switch on the attachment system in brand-new relationships." }, { "title": "First Date? Professor M. Joy McClure's Research Says Don't Be Nervous", "url": "https://www.adelphi.edu/news/first-date-professor-m-joy-mcclures-research-says-dont-be-nervous/", "publisher": "Adelphi University", "supports": "In a study of 116 speed-dating participants, anxiously attached participants were more likely to have attended because of loneliness, were less selective, were pursued by fewer potential partners and made more failed attempts to connect." }, { "title": "Women and men in love: who really feels it and says it first?", "url": "https://pure.psu.edu/en/publications/women-and-men-in-love-who-really-feels-it-and-says-it-first/", "publisher": "Journal of Social Psychology (Harrison and Shortall), Penn State research portal", "date": "2011", "supports": "In a survey of about 170 college students, most participants expected women to fall in love first, but men reported falling in love, and saying so, earlier than women did." }, { "title": "Wrong Kind of Commitment Can Wreck Romance", "url": "https://www.uh.edu/news-events/stories/2008articles/november08/1121_wrong_commitment_wrecks.php", "publisher": "University of Houston (reporting Knee, Canevello, Bush and Cook, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)", "date": "2008-11", "supports": "Relationship-contingent self-esteem, when self-worth rides on how a relationship is going, was linked to strong commitment but not to more closeness or satisfaction, and to feeling devastated by minor relationship events such as a miscommunication or small spat." }, { "title": "Falling in love: Prospective studies of self-concept change", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.69.6.1102", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Aron, Paris and Aron)", "date": "1995", "supports": "In a longitudinal study of undergraduates, those who fell in love showed a greater increase in the diversity of their self-concept, and in self-efficacy and self-esteem, than before they fell in love and compared with others." }, { "title": "Revising working models across time: Relationship situations that enhance attachment security", "url": "https://research.gold.ac.uk/id/eprint/20477", "publisher": "Personality and Social Psychology Review (Arriaga, Kumashiro, Simpson and Overall), Goldsmiths research archive", "date": "2018", "supports": "Adult attachment orientations can shift within relationships; the authors propose that attachment anxiety should decline most in situations that build personal confidence and a more secure view of the self." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-you-text-more-when-they-text-less/", "title": "Why do I text more when they text less?", "summary": "When a connection feels less certain, an anxious-leaning brain tries to close the gap by reaching: faster replies, extra texts, more plans. In your 20s, with app matches and unlabeled situationships, the thread often carries the whole relationship, so a quieter phone hits harder than it should.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-02", "updated": "2026-10-02", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/why-you-text-more-when-they-text-less/", "sources": [ { "title": "Attachment theory, individual psychodynamics, and relationship functioning", "url": "https://adultattachment.faculty.ucdavis.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/66/2015/09/Shaver_2006_Attachment-theory-individual-psychodynamics-and-relationship-functioning.pdf", "publisher": "Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships (UC Davis Adult Attachment Lab copy)", "date": "2006", "supports": "Shaver and Mikulincer describe attachment anxiety as linked to hyperactivating strategies (intensified efforts to get closeness and reassurance, vigilance for signs of rejection) and attachment avoidance as linked to deactivating strategies (keeping distance and playing down attachment needs)." }, { "title": "Adult Romantic Attachment, Electronic Messaging, and Relationship Quality", "url": "https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/cyber.2021.0060", "publisher": "Peer-reviewed study indexed in PubMed (U.S. National Library of Medicine)", "date": "2022", "supports": "Patel, Mahar and Webster surveyed 302 romantically partnered undergraduates: more anxious people wanted more frequent messages than they received, received fewer, and replied faster than their partners replied to them; more avoidant people wanted fewer messages than they received, sent fewer, and replied slower than their partners." }, { "title": "Women's Adult Romantic Attachment Style and Communication by Cell Phone with Romantic Partners", "url": "https://researchprofiles.csumb.edu/en/publications/womens-adult-romantic-attachment-style-and-communication-by-cell-/", "publisher": "Psychological Reports (California State University, Monterey Bay research profiles)", "date": "2012", "supports": "Robert Weisskirch studied 31 female university students in romantic relationships: attachment anxiety was associated with more text messages sent to and received from partners, both estimated and actual counts; attachment avoidance was associated with fewer calls made to partners." }, { "title": "The Impact of Attachment Style on Communication Frequency and Language Use in Romantic Partners' Text Messages", "url": "https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/The-Impact-of-Attachment-Style-on-Communication-and-Vanderbilt-Brinberg/f31fbdfb0529f4d43413f1bf9b0c9697ec718e77", "publisher": "Journal of Language and Social Psychology (SAGE), via Semantic Scholar", "date": "2025", "supports": "Vanderbilt, Brinberg and Lu analyzed the actual text message histories of 40 early-stage college student daters: avoidant attachment was associated with less frequent texting, anxious attachment was not associated with texting frequency, and more anxious people used more future-focused language in texts to their partner." }, { "title": "What to expect when you are texting: An exploration of direct mobile messaging expectations among women in developing romantic relationships", "url": "https://www.thejsms.org/index.php/JSMS/article/view/1077", "publisher": "The Journal of Social Media in Society", "date": "2024", "supports": "Guest and Chang's qualitative study of women in developing romantic relationships found that direct messaging with a partner was expected to be continuous, fast and transparent; partners used features like read receipts and Snapchat streaks to manage those expectations, and violations led to explicit conversations and reminders and were sometimes used on purpose to get a reaction." }, { "title": "Mobile Text Messaging and Connectedness within Close Interpersonal Relationships", "url": "https://scholarworks.indianapolis.iu.edu/items/f506d6c5-8cc4-44c9-a4ff-37c65b68dd7d", "publisher": "Marriage and Family Review (Indiana University Indianapolis ScholarWorks)", "date": "2009", "supports": "Pettigrew's interviews with 19 people found that texting becomes a channel where relational tensions play out: people use it both to assert autonomy and to maintain connectedness, and romantic pairs saw its benefits differently from other close pairs." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/how-often-to-text-when-you-start-dating/", "title": "How often should you text someone you just started dating?", "summary": "There is no magic number. What seems to matter is that your rhythm roughly matches theirs, especially who reaches out first and how often you check in, and that the texting keeps leading to actual plans.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/how-often-to-text-when-you-start-dating/", "sources": [ { "title": "I just text to say I love you: Partner similarity in texting and relationship satisfaction", "url": "https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/I-just-text-to-say-I-love-you:-Partner-similarity-Ohadi-Brown/fc2474f8e51e679f151fd8a7eddeab1972648404", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior (Elsevier), via Semantic Scholar", "date": "2018", "supports": "In 205 people aged 18 to 29 in romantic relationships (about 74% women), perceived similarity in texting was linked with relationship satisfaction, most strongly similarity in how often each partner initiated contact and sent simple check-in messages, even after accounting for attachment anxiety and avoidance." }, { "title": "How the timing of texting triggers romantic interest after the first date", "url": "https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/reader/10.1177/02654075251377184", "publisher": "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE)", "date": "2026-02", "supports": "In an experiment with 543 participants comparing a text sent right after a first date, the next morning, or two days later, the next-morning text produced the highest relationship intentions (about 6.15 on a 9-point scale, versus 5.80 for immediately and 5.50 for two days). Women were more sensitive to timing than men; perceived reciprocity and reliability helped explain the effect." }, { "title": "Using Technology to Connect in Romantic Relationships: Effects on Attachment, Relationship Satisfaction, and Stability in Emerging Adults", "url": "https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/facpub/2343", "publisher": "Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy (Brigham Young University ScholarsArchive)", "date": "2013", "supports": "In a survey of 276 people aged 18 to 25 in committed relationships, texting to express affection was linked with stronger reported attachment to a partner, while sheer texting frequency showed mixed links (negative for men's frequency, positive for women's own stability)." }, { "title": "'I luv u :)!': A Descriptive Study of the Media Use of Individuals in Romantic Relationships", "url": "https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/facpub/2376", "publisher": "Family Relations (Brigham Young University ScholarsArchive)", "date": "2011", "supports": "Most participants frequently used cell phones and texting to communicate with a partner, and expressing affection was the most common reason; younger participants used most forms of media more often than older ones." }, { "title": "Couples, the Internet, and Social Media", "url": "https://legacy.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2014/02/PIP_Couples_and_Technology-FIN_021114.pdf", "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "date": "2014-02", "supports": "41% of 18 to 29 year olds in serious relationships said they had felt closer to their partner because of conversations they had online or by text message." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/how-to-ask-what-are-we/", "title": "How do you ask 'what are we' without scaring them off?", "summary": "Lead with what you want, ask in person at a calm moment, and leave room for an honest answer. A clear, low-pressure question rarely scares off someone who was going to stay.", "section": "situationships", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/how-to-ask-what-are-we/", "sources": [ { "title": "Taboo Topics", "url": "https://sk.sagepub.com/ency/edvol/embed/humanrelationships/chpt/taboo-topics", "publisher": "Encyclopedia of Human Relationships (SAGE)", "date": "2009", "supports": "Summarizes Baxter and Wilmot's 1985 study of taboo topics in close relationships, in which the state of the relationship itself was the topic most often avoided between romantic partners." }, { "title": "Beautiful mess effect: Self-other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability", "url": "https://www.mzes.uni-mannheim.de/en/publications/details/beautiful-mess-effect-self-other-differences-in-evaluation-of-showing-vulnerability", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (University of Mannheim)", "date": "2018", "supports": "Across seven studies, people rated their own displays of vulnerability (such as confessing romantic feelings or admitting a mistake) more negatively than they rated the same displays by others, who saw them as more positive and desirable." }, { "title": "You Probably Made a Better First Impression Than You Think", "url": "https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/you-probably-made-a-better-first-impression-than-you-think.html", "publisher": "Association for Psychological Science (reporting Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark, Psychological Science, 2018)", "date": "2018", "supports": "After conversations, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company (the liking gap), in lab conversations between strangers, among first-year college dorm mates, and in a workshop; among dorm mates it lasted for several months." }, { "title": "Personal experiences and attitudes of daters", "url": "https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/personal-experiences-and-attitudes-of-daters/", "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "date": "2020-08", "supports": "Among single-and-looking adults who said finding people to date had been difficult, 53% said finding someone looking for the same type of relationship was a major reason, the top reason listed (survey of 4,860 U.S. adults, October 2019)." }, { "title": "E-mail Etiquette: More Critical than You Might Think", "url": "https://stern.nyu.edu/experience-stern/faculty-research/justin-kruger-email-research", "publisher": "NYU Stern School of Business (reporting Kruger, Epley, Parker and Ng, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2005)", "date": "2005", "supports": "Senders of e-mail were typically overconfident that recipients would correctly read their intended tone (sarcasm, seriousness, anger, sadness or humor); misunderstandings were common even when sender and recipient knew each other, and senders were largely unaware of it." }, { "title": "Defining the DTR: what it is, what it isn't, and how it functions in romantic relationship development", "url": "https://repositories.lib.utexas.edu/handle/2152/114769", "publisher": "University of Texas at Austin (doctoral dissertation, Sarah Varga)", "supports": "The 'define the relationship' conversation is commonly understood but has yet to be fully explained by communication scholars; the study used forty semi-structured interviews about what happens before, during and after the DTR." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/how-to-trust-them-again/", "title": "How do I trust them again?", "summary": "You rebuild trust from what they do next, not from what you find on their phone or their stories. Early in dating, when there's less history to lean on, a lie hits harder, so it's fair to ask for a clear apology and a slower pace, and fair to decide it's not worth rebuilding.", "section": "situationships", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/how-to-trust-them-again/", "sources": [ { "title": "Everyday lies in close and casual relationships", "url": "https://smg.media.mit.edu/library/DePaulo.Kashy.EverydayLies.pdf", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (author copy hosted by MIT Media Lab)", "date": "1998", "supports": "DePaulo and Kashy ran two diary studies in which 77 undergraduates and 70 community members recorded their social interactions and lies for a week. People told fewer lies per interaction to those they felt emotionally closer to, and lies told to closer partners were more likely to be discovered and more distressing to the liar." }, { "title": "Facebook Causes Jealousy, Hampers Romance, Study Finds", "url": "https://www.uoguelph.ca/news/2009/02/post_176.html", "publisher": "University of Guelph (reporting Muise, Christofides and Desmarais, CyberPsychology and Behavior, 2009)", "date": "2009-02", "supports": "In a survey of 308 undergraduates aged 17 to 24, more time on Facebook predicted more Facebook-related jealousy; the researchers proposed a feedback loop in which the site exposes people to ambiguous information about a partner, which prompts more checking." }, { "title": "Snooping and Sexting: Digital Media as a Context for Dating Aggression and Abuse Among College Students", "url": "https://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/items/271297e1-c9f7-4a27-a398-8c75233b1515/full", "publisher": "Violence Against Women (University of Michigan Deep Blue)", "date": "2016", "supports": "Reed, Tolman and Ward surveyed 365 college students about digital dating abuse, behaviors that control, pressure or threaten a dating partner by phone or online. Digital monitoring behaviors were especially common, and digital dating abuse was associated with physical, sexual and psychological dating violence." }, { "title": "The 6 elements of an effective apology, according to science", "url": "https://news.osu.edu/the-6-elements-of-an-effective-apology-according-to-science/", "publisher": "The Ohio State University News (reporting Lewicki, Polin and Lount)", "date": "2016", "supports": "Lewicki and colleagues tested how 755 participants reacted to apologies with up to six elements; acknowledgment of responsibility was the most important, offer of repair second, and a request for forgiveness the least effective." }, { "title": "Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age", "url": "https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/05/08/dating-and-relationships-in-the-digital-age/", "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "date": "2020-05", "supports": "Roughly one-third of partnered U.S. adults (34%) say they have looked through their significant other's phone without that person's knowledge, with differences by gender, age and relationship status." }, { "title": "Caring for Your Mental Health", "url": "https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health", "publisher": "National Institute of Mental Health (NIH)", "supports": "Seek professional help for severe or distressing symptoms lasting 2 weeks or more, such as difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, difficulty concentrating, or being unable to complete usual tasks; a primary care provider can refer you to a qualified mental health professional such as a psychologist, psychiatrist or clinical social worker." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/is-their-story-adding-up/", "title": "How do I know if they're lying?", "summary": "In your 20s it rarely shows up as a nervous text. It shows up as a story that stops matching what you see later, often online, and even then a mismatch is a reason to ask, not proof. In a situationship, it also helps to check whether they ever promised you what you think they lied about.", "section": "situationships", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/is-their-story-adding-up/", "sources": [ { "title": "Everyday deception or a few prolific liars? The prevalence of lies in text messaging", "url": "https://sml.stanford.edu/publications/2014/everyday-deception-or-few-prolific-liars-prevalence-lies-text-messaging", "publisher": "Computers in Human Behavior, via Stanford Social Media Lab", "date": "2014", "supports": "About 11% of text messages participants sent were deceptive; 23% of participants reported sending no deceptive texts at all, while a small number of prolific liars told a disproportionate share of the lies. Deception was less frequent in closer relationships." }, { "title": "People lie as a way to manage modern communications", "url": "https://news.cornell.edu/node/272410", "publisher": "Cornell Chronicle (Cornell University)", "date": "2009", "supports": "Cornell communication researchers Jeff Hancock and Jeremy Birnholtz describe 'butler lies': small lies people use in messaging to manage their availability and start or end conversations, named after butlers who buffered unwelcome visitors." }, { "title": "From junior to senior Pinocchio: A cross-sectional lifespan investigation of deception", "url": "https://cris.maastrichtuniversity.nl/en/publications/from-junior-to-senior-pinocchio-a-cross-sectional-lifespan-invest", "publisher": "Acta Psychologica, via Maastricht University", "date": "2015", "supports": "In a community sample of 1,005 people aged 6 to 77, self-reported lying frequency rose in childhood, peaked in adolescence and decreased during adulthood." }, { "title": "Study Investigates Why People Stalk Their Partners on Facebook", "url": "https://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/26/study_explores_link_between_attachment_style_and_cyberstalking_on_facebook.html", "publisher": "Slate, reporting Fox and Warber, Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking", "date": "2013-08", "supports": "In an online survey of 328 college students, attachment style predicted both relational uncertainty and electronic surveillance of a romantic partner, with preoccupied and fearful styles reporting the highest levels; uncertainty itself did not predict surveillance." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/losing-interest-or-overthinking/", "title": "Are they losing interest, or am I overthinking it?", "summary": "If you can point to specific changes that have held for weeks (fewer plans, cancellations nobody reschedules), take it seriously and ask. If what changed is mostly how you feel, especially during a stressful stretch, you may be reading fear as evidence.", "section": "situationships", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/losing-interest-or-overthinking/", "sources": [ { "title": "Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships", "url": "https://www.ffri.hr/~ibrdar/komunikacija/seminari/Downey,%201996%20-%20Rejection%20Sensitivity%20for%20intimate%20relationsh.pdf", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (American Psychological Association), copy hosted by the University of Rijeka", "date": "1996", "supports": "Downey and Feldman show that people sensitive to rejection anxiously expect, readily perceive and overreact to it; in an experiment they readily perceived intentional rejection in others' ambiguous behavior, and people who entered romantic relationships with these expectations readily perceived intentional rejection in new partners' insensitive behavior." }, { "title": "Adult attachment and the perception of emotional expressions: Probing the hyperactivating strategies underlying anxious attachment", "url": "https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/adult-attachment-and-the-perception-of-emotional-expressions-prob/", "publisher": "Journal of Personality (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign)", "date": "2006", "supports": "Fraley, Niedenthal and colleagues showed people faces gradually changing expression; people high in attachment anxiety perceived emotions appearing and fading earlier than others but were less accurate, an effect that reversed when they had to watch for the same length of time as everyone else." }, { "title": "Stress makes partners focus on negative behavior", "url": "https://spsp.org/news/press-releases/stress-makes-partners-focus-on-negative-behavior", "publisher": "Society for Personality and Social Psychology (press release on a study in Social Psychological and Personality Science)", "date": "2022", "supports": "Neff and Buck had 79 newlywed couples report their own and their partner's behavior nightly for 10 days; people with more recent stressful life events were especially attentive to their partner's negative behaviors, while noticing positive behavior just as much. A single stressful day was not enough to cause the shift; an accumulation of stressful circumstances was." }, { "title": "Attachment, breakup strategies, and associated outcomes: The effects of security enhancement on the selection of breakup strategies", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2012.01.008", "publisher": "Journal of Research in Personality (Elsevier)", "date": "2012", "supports": "Collins and Gillath updated an earlier breakup-tactics scale for texting and social media, finding 43 tactics in seven groups; one group, avoidance and withdrawal, involves increasing distance and decreasing signals of intimacy, and people higher in attachment avoidance were more likely to use indirect strategies like it." }, { "title": "Anxiety Disorders", "url": "https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders", "publisher": "National Institute of Mental Health (NIH)", "supports": "Anxiety that does not go away and interferes with daily activities such as work, school and relationships can be a sign of an anxiety disorder; anxiety disorders are treatable, and NIMH describes signs, symptoms and treatment options." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/overthinking-their-texts/", "title": "Why do I overthink texts?", "summary": "Because a text has almost no tone and your phone hands you a constant stream of half-clues. In your 20s, typing bubbles, online status and the group chat can turn one short reply into a full investigation, and none of them can tell you what the other person meant.", "section": "apps-and-texting", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/apps-and-texting/overthinking-their-texts/", "sources": [ { "title": "Text Messaging May Be Increasing Your Anxiety", "url": "https://www.popsci.com/text-messaging-may-be-increasing-your-anxiety/", "publisher": "Popular Science (reporting Kingsbury and Coplan, Computers in Human Behavior, 2016)", "date": "2016", "supports": "Mila Kingsbury (Carleton University) and colleagues surveyed 215 undergraduates about 24 ambiguous texts, such as 'I heard about last night' and 'Call me ASAP', half said to come from a female friend and half from a male friend. Higher social anxiety was associated with more negative interpretations, and messages from female senders were read more negatively." }, { "title": "Didn't You See My Message? Predicting Attentiveness to Mobile Instant Messages", "url": "https://www.ic.unicamp.br/~oliveira/doc/CHI2014_Didnt-you-see-my-message.pdf", "publisher": "CHI 2014, ACM Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems", "date": "2014", "supports": "Pielot, de Oliveira and colleagues report that mobile instant messaging comes with an expectation that messages are noticed and read within a few minutes, that existing availability cues create social pressure while being weak predictors of how quickly someone will attend to a message, and that on average half of messages were viewed within about 6 minutes." }, { "title": "Rumination in Interpersonal Relationships: Does Co-rumination Explain Gender Differences in Emotional Distress and Relationship Satisfaction Among College Students?", "url": "https://researchconnect.buffalo.edu/en/publications/rumination-in-interpersonal-relationships-does-co-rumination-expl/", "publisher": "Cognitive Therapy and Research (University at Buffalo research portal)", "date": "2008-08", "supports": "Calmes and Roberts define co-rumination as passive, repetitive discussion of problems with a close other. Among college students, co-rumination with a closest friend explained women's higher depressive symptoms and also their higher friendship satisfaction, and it was distinct from solitary rumination." }, { "title": "Associations Between Dependency on LINE Text Messaging and Occurrence of Negative Emotions in LINE Group Chats", "url": "https://www.irma-international.org/chapter/associations-between-dependency-on-line-text-messaging-and-occurrence-of-negative-emotions-in-line-group-chats/232565", "publisher": "The Psychology and Dynamics Behind Social Media Interactions (IGI Global)", "date": "2020", "supports": "Shogo Kato, Yuuki Kato and Kiminori Usuki surveyed users in Japan about when negative emotions arise in group chats while waiting for a response; people who scored higher on using messaging to maintain relationships felt negative emotions sooner while waiting." }, { "title": "Anxiety overview", "url": "https://magazine.medlineplus.gov/pdf/Anxiety-overview.PDF_.Final_.09012023.pdf", "publisher": "MedlinePlus Magazine (National Library of Medicine, NIH)", "date": "2023-09", "supports": "Worry that lasts 6 months or longer and interferes with daily activities such as job performance, schoolwork and relationships may be an anxiety disorder; speaking with a health care provider can help identify treatment." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/red-flag-or-my-anxiety/", "title": "Is this a red flag, or is it my anxiety?", "summary": "A red flag is usually something they do that limits you (your phone, your friends, your pace), while anxiety tends to fire at ambiguity, like a slow reply or an old photo. In your 20s, when intense jealousy and fast starts can look romantic, the test is whether it still bothers you once you've written down only the facts.", "section": "dating-now", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/red-flag-or-my-anxiety/", "sources": [ { "title": "Perceptions of conflict and support in romantic relationships: The role of attachment anxiety", "url": "https://experts.mcmaster.ca/scholarly-works/367281", "publisher": "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, via McMaster University", "date": "2005", "supports": "Campbell, Simpson, Boldry and Kashy had dating partners keep diaries for 14 days, then filmed them discussing a problem. More anxiously attached people perceived more conflict with their partners and reported that conflicts tended to escalate; on video, highly anxious people appeared more distressed and escalated conflicts as rated by observers." }, { "title": "Preventing Intimate Partner Violence (fact sheet)", "url": "https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/124386/cdc_124386_DS1.pdf", "publisher": "Centers for Disease Control and Prevention", "date": "2022", "supports": "The CDC describes psychological aggression as including coercive control, behaviors intended to monitor, control or threaten a partner, such as limiting access to friends, family, money or transportation and excessive monitoring of whereabouts and communications." }, { "title": "Love-bombing: A narcissistic approach to relationship formation", "url": "https://scholarworks.uark.edu/discoverymag/vol18/iss1/14/", "publisher": "Discovery, University of Arkansas Dale Bumpers College", "date": "2017", "supports": "In a sample of 484 college students aged 18 to 30, love-bombing (excessive communication at the start of a relationship to gain power and control) was positively correlated with narcissistic tendencies and insecure attachment, negatively associated with self-esteem, and associated with more texting and media use in the relationship." }, { "title": "Jealousy, sexism, and romantic love myths: the role of beliefs in online dating violence", "url": "https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10507330/", "publisher": "PubMed Central (National Library of Medicine)", "date": "2023", "supports": "In a study of 1,001 people aged 18 to 25, jealousy was involved in both being a target of online dating violence and perpetrating online harassment, while sexist beliefs were involved only in perpetration." }, { "title": "Anxiety", "url": "https://medlineplus.gov/anxiety.html", "publisher": "MedlinePlus (National Library of Medicine, NIH)", "date": "2024", "supports": "Anxiety that does not go away, gets worse over time, or interferes with daily life may be a sign of an anxiety disorder, and is a reason to talk with a health care provider." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/should-you-stay-after-they-cheated/", "title": "Should I stay after they cheated?", "summary": "You can, but in your 20s you're also allowed to treat it as information about whether this relationship fits the life you're building. Make the call on what they do next and what you actually want, not on what your friends vote or how awkward the group chat will get.", "section": "dating-now", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/should-you-stay-after-they-cheated/", "sources": [ { "title": "No couple is an island: A social network perspective on dyadic stability", "url": "https://pure.psu.edu/en/publications/no-couple-is-an-island-a-social-network-perspective-on-dyadic-sta/", "publisher": "Social Forces (Penn State)", "date": "2001-06", "supports": "Felmlee's analysis of 290 individuals found that perceived approval from one's friends and from the partner's family increased relationship stability, that perceived approval predicted stability better than actual approval, and that these network effects held after accounting for factors inside the couple." }, { "title": "Revisiting the Romeo and Juliet Effect", "url": "https://econtent.hogrefe.com/doi/10.1027/1864-9335/a000181", "publisher": "Social Psychology (Hogrefe)", "date": "2014", "supports": "Sinclair and colleagues followed 396 participants over 3 to 4 months and found no evidence that interference from friends and family strengthens love; people reporting more interference or less approval reported poorer relationship quality." }, { "title": "Infidelity's aftermath: Appraisals, mental health, and health-compromising behaviors following a partner's infidelity", "url": "https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407517704091", "publisher": "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE)", "date": "2018", "supports": "Shrout and Weigel surveyed 232 college students who had been cheated on within the past three months, nearly all dating the partner who cheated. More depression, anxiety and distress went with more health-compromising behaviors such as eating less or using alcohol more, and blaming oneself for the infidelity was linked to these behaviors through worse mental health." }, { "title": "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships", "url": "https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/pmid/28785917", "publisher": "Archives of Sexual Behavior (via PubMed Central)", "date": "2017", "supports": "Knopp and colleagues found that people who reported infidelity in their first relationship were three times more likely to report infidelity in their next relationship than those who had not." }, { "title": "Know the Facts", "url": "https://www.cdc.gov/sti-awareness/gyt/know-the-facts.html", "publisher": "Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (GYT campaign)", "supports": "Nearly half of all new STIs each year are among young people aged 15 to 24; many STIs cause no symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to get tested; all STIs are treatable and most are curable." }, { "title": "Help for Mental Illnesses", "url": "https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help", "publisher": "National Institute of Mental Health (NIH)", "supports": "A primary care provider can screen and refer you to a mental health professional, and students may have access to mental health services through their school's health center or peer support groups." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/situationship-or-relationship/", "title": "Is it a situationship or a relationship?", "summary": "If you can't say what you are, what you want, or where it's going, it's a situationship. The fix is usually a conversation, not more decoding.", "section": "situationships", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/situationships/situationship-or-relationship/", "sources": [ { "title": "Measuring the sources and content of relational uncertainty", "url": "https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/measuring-the-sources-and-content-of-relational-uncertainty/", "publisher": "Communication Studies (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign)", "date": "1999", "supports": "Relational uncertainty has three sources, doubts about your own involvement (self uncertainty), about the partner's involvement (partner uncertainty), and about the status or future of the relationship itself (relationship uncertainty)." }, { "title": "Topic Avoidance in Developing Romantic Relationships: Associations With Intimacy and Relational Uncertainty", "url": "https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/topic-avoidance-in-developing-romantic-relationships-associations/", "publisher": "Communication Research (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign)", "date": "2004", "supports": "In a study of 216 people, relational uncertainty was positively associated with avoiding topics within a romantic relationship." }, { "title": "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not . . . : Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610393745", "publisher": "Psychological Science (Association for Psychological Science)", "date": "2011", "supports": "College women who were unsure whether men liked them a lot or an average amount thought about those men the most and were the most attracted to them, and the extra thinking was linked to the higher attraction." }, { "title": "From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S.", "url": "https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/02/02/from-looking-for-love-to-swiping-the-field-online-dating-in-the-u-s/", "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "date": "2023-02", "supports": "53% of U.S. adults under 30 have ever used a dating site or app, and one in five partnered adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner on one (survey of 6,034 U.S. adults, July 2022)." }, { "title": "Sexual Hookup Culture: A Review", "url": "https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027911", "publisher": "Review of General Psychology (American Psychological Association)", "date": "2012", "supports": "The review cites a 2010 survey of 681 college-aged adults by Garcia and colleagues in which 63% of men and 83% of women said they would prefer a traditional romantic relationship to an uncommitted sexual one." }, { "title": "Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect", "url": "https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00418.x", "publisher": "Family Relations (National Council on Family Relations, Wiley)", "date": "2006", "supports": "Relationships can move through transitions by sliding (without an intentional decision) rather than deciding, and inertia from sliding may raise risk for later distress for some couples." } ] }, { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/when-to-worry-about-a-reply/", "title": "How long should I wait before I worry about a reply?", "summary": "Early on, longer than feels comfortable. In the talking stage or a few dates in, you don't know their normal pace yet, so give it a full day before reading into it and judge by the week, not the hour. What tells you most is whether plans keep happening.", "section": "dating-now", "author": "BUMIS Editorial", "reviewer": null, "published": "2026-10-01", "updated": "2026-10-01", "canonical": "https://datinginyour20s.com/dating-now/when-to-worry-about-a-reply/", "sources": [ { "title": "Reply Speed as Nonverbal Cue in Text Messaging With a Read Receipt Display Function", "url": "https://www.igi-global.com/article/reply-speed-as-nonverbal-cue-in-text-messaging-with-a-read-receipt-display-function/239530/", "publisher": "International Journal of Technology and Human Interaction (IGI Global)", "date": "2020", "supports": "Shogo Kato and colleagues surveyed 213 female college students in Japan about how long it takes for negative emotions (sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt) to arise while waiting for a reply on a messaging app with read receipts. Negative emotions arose significantly sooner when the message showed as read than when it was unread, and most arose earlier in students more dependent on messaging." }, { "title": "Dispreferred responses when texting: Delaying that 'no' response", "url": "https://researchportalplus.anu.edu.au/en/publications/dispreferred-responses-when-texting-delaying-that-no-response/", "publisher": "Discourse and Communication (Australian National University research portal)", "date": "2015", "supports": "Johanna Rendle-Short analyzed 329 texting interactions: when a response to a request or invitation was delayed by more than 1 minute, it was much more likely to be a 'no' than a 'yes'. Preferred responses tended to be sent quickly and dispreferred ones delayed, mirroring norms in spoken conversation." }, { "title": "Out of your league? Most online daters seek more desirable mates despite long odds", "url": "https://news.umich.edu/out-of-your-league-most-online-daters-seek-more-desirable-mates-despite-long-odds", "publisher": "University of Michigan News (reporting Bruch and Newman, Science Advances, 2018)", "date": "2018-08", "supports": "Elizabeth Bruch and M.E.J. Newman analyzed messages between heterosexual users of a dating site in four U.S. cities (New York, Boston, Chicago, Seattle). Most people contacted prospects more desirable than themselves, and people wrote longer messages to more desirable prospects, but the extra length barely changed response rates (with Seattle a partial exception)." }, { "title": "Worry and Anxiety", "url": "https://www.cdc.gov/howrightnow/emotion/worry", "publisher": "Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (How Right Now)", "supports": "CDC guidance on worry and anxiety: if symptoms last a long time, get worse, or interfere with day-to-day life, reach out to a health care provider." } ] } ], "experts": [ { "name": "Alexandra H. Solomon", "labels": [ "Credentialed source" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@dr.alexandra.solomon", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/" } ], "credential": "Licensed clinical psychologist; adjunct professor, School of Education and Social Policy, Northwestern University", "credentialSource": "https://sesp.northwestern.edu/people/faculty/alexandra-solomon.html", "focus": "Relational self awareness, dating and building lasting relationships, drawn from her couples work and her Northwestern course.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "singleinyour20s.com" ] }, { "name": "Justin J. Lehmiller", "labels": [ "Credentialed source" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@justinjlehmiller", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/justinjlehmiller/" }, { "platform": "X", "handle": "@JustinLehmiller", "url": "https://x.com/JustinLehmiller" } ], "credential": "Social psychologist (PhD, Purdue); Senior Research Fellow, The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University", "credentialSource": "https://kinseyinstitute.org/about/staff/index.html", "focus": "Research on sex, desire, casual relationships and friends with benefits.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "datinginyour40s.com" ] }, { "name": "Nedra Glover Tawwab", "labels": [ "Credentialed source", "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@nedratawwab", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@nedratawwab", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@nedratawwab" } ], "credential": "Licensed therapist; founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling", "credentialSource": "https://www.hachette.co.uk/contributor/nedra-glover-tawwab/", "focus": "Boundaries in relationships, family and friendship, and how to say what you need.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "singleinyour20s.com", "singleinyour30.com" ] }, { "name": "Ramani Durvasula", "labels": [ "Credentialed source", "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@doctorramani", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/doctorramani/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@doctorramani", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@doctorramani" } ], "credential": "Licensed clinical psychologist; Professor Emerita of Psychology, California State University, Los Angeles", "credentialSource": "https://doctor-ramani.com/about/", "focus": "Narcissistic and high conflict relationships, and recovering after leaving one.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "datinginyour40s.com", "datingagainafterdivorce.com" ] }, { "name": "Blaine Anderson", "labels": [ "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@datingbyblaine", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/datingbyblaine/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@datingbyblaine", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@datingbyblaine" } ], "credential": null, "credentialSource": null, "focus": "Dating coach for men who talks about dating app profiles, first dates, and how women experience modern dating.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "singleinyour20s.com" ] }, { "name": "Matthew Hussey", "labels": [ "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@thematthewhussey", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/thematthewhussey/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@thematthewhussey", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@thematthewhussey" } ], "credential": null, "credentialSource": null, "focus": "Dating and love life advice on raising your standards, confidence, and finding a partner, through his podcast, books and videos.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "datinginyour40s.com", "singleinyour30.com", "singleinyour40s.com" ] }, { "name": "Sabrina Zohar", "labels": [ "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@sabrina.zohar", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/sabrina.zohar/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@sabrina.zohar", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@sabrina.zohar" } ], "credential": null, "credentialSource": null, "focus": "Dating and relationship coach and podcast host who talks about anxious attachment, self-worth, and breaking repeating relationship patterns.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "singleinyour20s.com", "singleinyour30.com" ] }, { "name": "Shan Boodram", "labels": [ "Trending voice" ], "profiles": [ { "platform": "Instagram", "handle": "@shanboodram", "url": "https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram/" }, { "platform": "TikTok", "handle": "@shanboody", "url": "https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody" } ], "credential": null, "credentialSource": null, "focus": "Intimacy educator, author and podcast host who talks about dating, sex, desire, and building close relationships.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01", "sites": [ "datingpatterns.com", "datinginyour20s.com", "datinginyour30s.com", "singleinyour20s.com" ] } ], "figures": [ { "id": "apps-18-29", "value": "53%", "statement": "of adults ages 18 to 29 have ever used a dating site or app.", "source": { "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "title": "The who, where and why of online dating in the U.S.", "year": "2023", "sample": "6,034 U.S. adults, July 2022", "url": "https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/02/02/the-who-where-and-why-of-online-dating-in-the-u-s/" } }, { "id": "ai-genz", "value": "67%", "statement": "of Gen Z singles have used AI in their dating lives.", "source": { "publisher": "Kinsey Institute and Match, Singles in America", "title": "15th annual Singles in America study", "year": "2026", "sample": "About 5,000 U.S. singles", "url": "https://mtch.com/news/match-unveils-15th-annual-singles-in-america-study/" } }, { "id": "burnout", "value": "78%", "statement": "of recent dating app users have felt burned out by the apps at least sometimes.", "source": { "publisher": "Forbes Health and OnePoll", "title": "Dating app burnout survey", "year": "2024", "sample": "1,000 U.S. adults who used a dating app in the past year", "url": "https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-app-fatigue/" } }, { "id": "dating-1-in-3", "value": "1 in 3", "statement": "unmarried adults ages 22 to 35 are actively dating.", "source": { "publisher": "Wheatley Institute and Institute for Family Studies", "title": "The Dating Recession (State of Our Unions 2026)", "year": "2026", "sample": "5,275 unmarried U.S. adults ages 22 to 35", "url": "https://wheatley.byu.edu/0000019c-4505-d61f-a3dc-dd478a270001/datingrecession-pdf" } } ], "reading": [ { "title": "The who, where and why of online dating in the U.S.", "url": "https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/02/02/the-who-where-and-why-of-online-dating-in-the-u-s/", "publisher": "Pew Research Center", "author": null, "year": "2023", "section": "dating-now", "why": "Survey numbers on who uses dating apps, which ones, and why, with a close look at adults under 30.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" }, { "title": "The art of breaking up, from 'the talk' to moving on", "url": "https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on", "publisher": "NPR (Life Kit)", "author": null, "year": "2020", "section": "brutal-breakup", "why": "Practical guidance on ending things kindly and on what helps in the weeks after.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" }, { "title": "Our quest for romance through dating apps is only making us lonelier, studies find", "url": "https://www.npr.org/2024/09/02/nx-s1-5081335/our-quest-for-romance-through-dating-apps-is-only-making-us-lonlier-studies-find", "publisher": "NPR", "author": null, "year": "2024", "section": "apps-and-texting", "why": "Reports on studies linking heavy app use to loneliness, useful if swiping has started to feel worse than not dating.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" }, { "title": "Texting etiquette: Why it's OK not to reply right away", "url": "https://www.npr.org/2025/04/21/nx-s1-5349521/texting-etiquette-manage-group-texts-frequent-texts", "publisher": "NPR", "author": null, "year": "2025", "section": "apps-and-texting", "why": "A calmer take on reply times that helps you stop reading meaning into every delay.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" }, { "title": "What Is Breadcrumbing? How To Handle It", "url": "https://health.clevelandclinic.org/breadcrumbing", "publisher": "Cleveland Clinic", "author": null, "year": null, "section": "situationships", "why": "Names the pattern of just-enough attention that keeps you hooked, and how to respond to it.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" }, { "title": "Should you be friends with your ex? 3 questions to ask yourself", "url": "https://www.npr.org/2024/05/31/g-s1-1851/should-you-stay-friends-with-your-ex", "publisher": "NPR", "author": null, "year": "2024", "section": "friends-and-dating", "why": "Three honest questions to sort out whether a friendship with an ex will help you or keep you stuck.", "lastChecked": "2026-10-01" } ], "quiz": { "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/", "axes": [ { "id": "pace", "low": "Slow", "high": "Fast" }, { "id": "certainty", "low": "Easy with not knowing", "high": "Needs to know" }, { "id": "pull", "low": "Drawn to new", "high": "Drawn to familiar" }, { "id": "exit", "low": "Lets go", "high": "Holds on" } ], "results": [ { "id": "full-speed", "name": "Full Speed", "summary": "You feel it early and you let yourself run with it.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/full-speed/" }, { "id": "slow-burn", "name": "Slow Burn", "summary": "You wait until you are sure, and you are rarely sure early.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/slow-burn/" }, { "id": "clear-sky", "name": "Clear Sky", "summary": "Not knowing where you stand is the hardest part for you.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/clear-sky/" }, { "id": "open-ended", "name": "Open Ended", "summary": "You are comfortable letting things stay undefined.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/open-ended/" }, { "id": "home-pull", "name": "Home Pull", "summary": "You are drawn to a feeling you already know.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/home-pull/" }, { "id": "new-horizon", "name": "New Horizon", "summary": "You go looking for something different each time.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/new-horizon/" }, { "id": "long-goodbye", "name": "Long Goodbye", "summary": "You stay past the point where it stopped working.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/long-goodbye/" }, { "id": "clean-break", "name": "Clean Break", "summary": "When it is over, you are gone.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/clean-break/" }, { "id": "even-keel", "name": "Even Keel", "summary": "No single lean stands out in your answers.", "url": "https://datinginyour20s.com/quiz/even-keel/" } ] } }